Everywhere I look, someone is trying to tell me how to grow my YouTube channel or how to be successful on YouTube. Bollocks to that. This is the antithesis of that advice as surely YouTube is just for the young and the beautiful?
How Not To Win At YouTube
- Don't start until you are 40 years old. These young'uns know nothing worth watching
- It might be acceptable to start at age 30 though.
- Never EVER ask anyone to like your video or subscribe to your channel. Needy, much?
- Don't have a niche. There's no need. Just be random and unprepared.
- Don't have a schedule.
I mean, do you switch on at a specific time to watch content exactly when it's uploaded?
Or need to comment with "FIRST"?
- Don't vlog every single day.
- Or if you do, make sure you moan like fuck about how difficult it is,
- And make sure every vlog is the same.
- And use one of the first three available music options from the YouTube media library.
- And have the volume just a little bit too high.
- Ensure you call your viewers "You Guys".
We don't want them to feel individual or special or anything.
- Don't bother about how much light is available.
- If using a mobile device to record on ensure that you move it about a lot.
- And have the main subject just slightly off shot.
- Don't show things up close to the camera to let viewers get a closer look.
- Or if you do, make sure you put your hand behind the item.
- Then remove it before the camera focuses on the item.
- Then wait again for the camera to refocus on your face.
- All the time thinking out loud about why the camera never focuses properly.
- And don't bother editing that bit out.
- But do edit all the um's and aahh's out so there is no proper flow of chat with all the jump cuts.
- Add closed captions and subtitles - it picks up exactly what you are saying like MAGIC.
- Yes, really...
- Talk. For. Ages. I mean, a really long time.
Everyone has time to watch a 20 minute daily vlog about nothing special, yes?
- Never use keywords - we talked about being not needing to be found in searches, right?
- The same goes for using playlists and channel trailers. A huge waste of time.
- Never create an enticing thumbnail.
- Use that random still that YouTube selects where your mouth is open and your eyes are shut.
- Ignore all advice about 'collaborations'.
Who has the time or the money to travel up and down the country anyway?
And any channel with under 10,000 subs is hardly worth your time, are they?
- Don't have a real job.
- After all, YouTube *is* your job.
- There's no need to share your video anywhere else on the internet,
- And who knows what that embed code is for...