I have been in such a bad mood today. It's been one big trough of gloom and doom with a couple of peaks. However, those peaks only seem to plunge me deeper into the next moody moment. It's not often I feel like this but, when I do, every little thing seems huge! I should recognise the signs having lived with someone who suffers from severe depression for many years but I always hope that I can shrug it off. Do you want to know what has made me moody today? Here goes...
DOWN. We had a hospital appointment this morning at 8.55am at the fracture clinic to get Jake's leg brace re positioned and to hear the prognosis of his recovery. It normally takes 10 minutes to drive to the hospital from home but it had been snowing both last night and this morning so I needed extra time. At 8.20am, Jake was still in bed after me going into his room four times. I yelled at him at that point.
DOWN. The roads were icy, but far worse than I could have imagined. The gritters hadn't been out and the side roads were treacherous so I stuck to the main roads. Cars were sliding all over the place, wheels were spinning, the hills were almost impossible to get up, I got stuck at one point and cried in the car. Fucking cried because I couldn't drive on ice.
DOWN. The dog is shedding his winter coat (he's an Akita) and no matter how much you hoover, pick up the fur or brush him, the house still looks trampy and like I don't give a shit. It feels like a never-ending cycle of looking like you don't care about cleanliness. And, because of the way he sheds his fur, he looks like he's got mange.
UP. The post came. No bills (yay!), a preview copy of a friend's book (double yay!) and a gift from another friend (triple yay!).
DOWN. I did some work, planned what we were having for tea and left for my meeting only to find out that I have to go back again tomorrow. Waste of fucking time... and car park money!
DOWN. Every time someone speaks to me, I'm sarcastic in return. It has been commented on a few times. Everyone else is allowed to be in a bad mood whenever they fucking feel like it but not me. Oh no.
UP. I made tea and we had steak pudding and real chips. I loved every single mouthful.
DOWN. I've completely screwed the diet today. I did think I could go for a good walk but the weather is wet and wild tonight. The steps I've walked today are hardly worth counting and I can't go for a run until tomorrow night.
LEVEL. It's evening. The time for thinking about things is over. Friends are sending me video clips that I enjoy watching. They don't even know it but they are cheering me up. Bedtime is nearer and even though I don't sleep well at the moment I know I can snuggle down and listen to a podcast.
Keep breathing, Nicola. In and out. In and out...