They Really Need A Smack In The Chops

First of all this is NOT a meme but feel free to pick it up and run with it if you need to release some pent-up anger.  I have cried laughing reading similar posts from Bloggertropolis, London City Mum and Very Bored In Catalunya and  and being the calm person that I am I have obviously found it very difficult to find five celebrities that I feel violent towards had real trouble just slimming this down to just five people.  So, in no particular order...


Russell Brand
Brand makes the
necessary preparations
Mr Katy Perry is so far up his own arse that he can see his uvula.  First of all I don't see the appeal in the scruffy, unwashed look.  Secondly,  if you even the slightest chance of winning the "Outstanding Contribution to Comedy" award at the British Comedy Awards then surely you should make an appearance at the event.  Word is that Mr Brand had a sick friend who he didn't want to leave but I'm sure he is aware of the phenomonom that is air travel.  He could have been there and back within 24 hours.  Oh well, at least we were saved the Ross/Brand love-fest!  Also, Mr Brand, if you are reading this... I don't think you ever did respond to the bloggers version of "Brandgate" did you (Fuck.  Becca is going to kill me!)

All of the Kardashian sisters and their mother, Chris
Vote Kim... to be first in line for a
punch in the kisser!
So, when a whole family is billed as "reality show stars" you realise that fame really has eaten itself.  The Kardashian name became famous when Robert Kardashian came out of retirement to be a fame-seeking friend volunteer assistant during the OJ Simpson murder trial.  It appears that a need to be in the public eye is hereditary.  There has been a number of, quite frankly, pointless shows, featuring each one of the Kardashian family and their bewildered step-father (Bruce Jenner, a US athlete from the 1970's) battling through the trials and tribulations of having your "fat" arse papped each time you dare to go out to a restaurant (try cooking at home occasionally), the creation of perfume - the smell of which makes me gag - and an occasional look at them playing at shops in one of their many over-priced boutiques (clothing line creatively named "Dash").

Justin Bieber 
Still waiting for that call
from Cheryl Cole
So the floppy-haired little twat got a haircut and now is sporting the Zac Efron look.  Big Wow!  I've got clothes older than this product of the "discovered on YouTube yeah, right" era (see also Sandy "punk rocker with flowers in her hair" Thom).  The Observer noted that, according to Klout (the metric by which social media influence is calculated), Bieber is the most influential person in the world.  Are you fucking kidding me?  Herein lies the sole reason why kids should not be allowed anywhere near Facebook or Twitter.  Do you want an insight into what the most influential person in the world thinks?
Just... hahahahaha
Thank fuck for that! Give that doctor/vocal coach a medal!

Louie Spence
Come in Mr Spence.  Your time is up!
Yes, dear fellow-Pineapple Studio lovers, this ship has sailed and I am very sad about it.  Fellow zleb-reality programme lovers will remember Louie from the judging panel on Cirque de CelebritĂ© but then he disappeared off the radar for a bit Louie was a breath of fresh air this time last year but has now out-done the campness.  He has become a parody of himself and needs bringing back to Earth... with a punch.  Rein it in a little, Louie. No-one is as camp as that and if they are then seriously, take a look at yourself - it's not becoming.  We're laughing AT you, not with you!

Liz Jones of the Daily Mail
Fashion & life-style journalist. Word!
OK, I admit I am using the word "celebrity" in its broadest possible term here but you all know who I am on about.  She makes me want to stick pins in my eyes instead of reading her narrow-minded views but her inability to manage her finances (relying on cash-strapped pensioners to send her their last five quid) and the sick and unnecessary attempt to create her own Crimewatch reconstruction of Jo Yeate's last known moves remind me that I am a better person and will never have to sink to her level.  I don't just want to punch her.  I want to batter her hard with a shovel and you can all form an orderly queue behind me.


Would you like to know who didn't make the cut?  There were the likes of Alan Sugar, Liza Minelli, Bernie Ecclestone, Piers Morgan, Tila Tequila, Jeremy Kyle, Fearne Cotton, Ricky Gervais, Peaches Geldof, Paris Hilton, Harry Hill, The Only Way Is Essex cast, Katie Price, Jimmy Carr, "Dr" Gillian McKeith, Alex Reid,  Ashley Cole, Kerry Katona...   [fade out...] MATRON! TIME FOR NICKIE'S MEDICATION...