It's Your Age
I'm at that time of my life where I am the age I remember my parents being. They were this age when I was sixteen years old and leaving school. My parents were always just "mum and dad"; they were the adults. Old. I wonder if they felt the same way I do now? Reflective... realising that when I stay out until three or four in the morning that I probably look a bit like someone trying to recapture their youth. And I suppose I am in a way.
Do other people look at me and think, "Oh yeah, she's knocking forty"? I actually HATE that "When I get old I'll wear purple" poem - mostly because I do all of that already (spit, hoard pencils, collect samples) - my Dr Martens ARE purple, for gods sake!! I get paranoid when I tell people that I'm a grandparent already because I imagine they're working out in their heads how old both myself and my daughter were when we had our children (eighteen and seventeen respectively, just so you know...).
The self-doubt is creeping in too. I thought I'd battled those demons when I role-swapped with my husband and went back to work full time. But I always think about the "what if's" and the "maybe's"... not that I want to alter any of my life, no - but doesn't everyone wonder how different it would have been if they'd have taken the other "fork in the road"?
I also look at my husband (who I love, unconditionally) and don't see a 43 year old man. I see the person I fell in love with over twenty years ago. Yet when I think about it, I get a bit shocked that I am actually married to a middle-aged man (sorry Kev). How the frig did that happen? Me... married... for almost twenty years!! Does he feel the same about me? Sometimes, I don't think so *shrugs*
They (who's "they"?) say you're as old as you feel. Well in my mind, I'm still in my early twenties - possibly because I never "lived" them because I was busy having babies and running a house. I like to think I am living my life backwards and maybe all this "finding myself" as a writer and studying for my degree is making me think a bit deeper - and I'm not sure that's a good thing. Should I go back to being shallow and non-committal? I did all the serious stuff back then - now it's time to be silly!
And yes, I know there's far too many "speech marks" in this post...