Who Am I?

I am always trying to work out who I am.  I never fitted in at school; bullied regularly because of the origins of my surname.  I was told I was intelligent - above average in fact - but, for some reason, I struggled with the work.  I excelled at sports but was always last to be picked for any team games.  I have never really been happy with the way my life has panned out, always wanting more, never really feeling sated or successful.

I am constantly trying to find my identity.  I don't particularly like names or pigeon holes but there seems to be nothing to describe me. Am I a first?  A unique?

I googled "definition of yummy mummy" just to make sure that I wasn't one and immediately turned to Wikipedia.  They didnt seem to know either:
A mother who is considered sexually attractive

Moving on...

Over to the Urban Dictionary (not for the faint-hearted).  The urban dictionary defines the Yummy Mummy as:
under 30 years of age and MILFs (Mums I'd Like To Fuck) as over 30 years of age
But i'm a Nana... so what does that make me?  A NILF?
I seemed to have skipped an era without even realising it.

I found another definition:
Yummy mummies usually wear trendy clothes, have great hairstyles and always look fabulous.
Score zero on all accounts. 

I often wonder if part of my issue with not knowing who I am is because I am not comfortable in my own skin.  Looking back at the third definition I realise I need a massive restyle.  Where is Hilary Alexander when you need her?  I have a vague memory of her being the fashion expert on a make-over show on the BBC some years ago and always loved her 'final reveal'.  My body shape has changed so much over the past few years that I have no idea what size I really am.  I have no idea what suits me because I still haven't cottoned onto the fact that I am not far from turning 40.  I also have a constant battle with my hair.  The cut is great but it never looks right

I am anti-fabulous.

What I have discovered is that age brings wisdom; life experiences have provided me with confidence, but only confidence with my online persona.  I have, of course used that to my advantage and become the person I always wanted to be - outspoken, astute, knowledgeable, experienced, witty... the list goes on.  To some extent, I am that person - I don't believe I could have kept up an act for this long - however, because of my insecurities I never really know what people think.  I remember meeting Dawn (The Moiderer) for breakfast one morning and then reading this on her blog a couple of days later (it made me snigger):
I must admit from her blog and tweets I was expecting her to be bouncing all over the place and having to talk to her on the ceiling. But it was ok, we were able to sit at the table together and drink a couple of coffee's.
When I went to the Kellogg's event with a group of bloggers I discovered that we had to have a 'publicity photo' taken.  Panic set in.  I don't have a natural smile and I am not photogenic.  There is a distinct lack of pictures of me on this blog and anywhere in my house.  I need the confidence to have a proper picture taken of myself.  Something I'd be proud to display on here for a start.

I need a goal.  

I have ideas and a Bucket List but am I ever going to achieve any of it?  There is the book I want to write but never have time to plan anything because I am studying for the degree I never achieved when I was younger (Level 2 is manageable, Level 3 is going to be impossible).  I promised myself that I would plan a chapter a month this year but have done nothing so far, preferring to be dossing around online during my free time, annoying people on Twitter.

I don't feel remorseful - just a bit bogged down by not ever having achieved anything, not even one of the two careers I wanted.  There's always something holding me back and that clock is ticking.  Tick, tock. Tick tock.  One day I may discover who I am.  

 Meredith Brooks - Bitch .mp3
Found at bee mp3 search engine