Today's post is from Craig. I "met" Craig online many years ago on a website/forum called 80s Nostalgia. He has since attempted to gain control of the world via various online projects - his current one being Giggl - and has more than one Twitter account - (personal) @anothercraig and (the fairly egotistical and very funny project) @MoreFamousThan. Over to Craig...
I have been a parent for 14 years. I rarely give advice out to other parents, as I believe it really is something they should learn for themselves.
However, the one thing I can guarantee is that if you have young, normally loud, chatty children, if they go noticeably quiet they are either planning evil things or DOING evil things.
I have three children. For the sake of anonymity I shall call them Child1, Child2 and Child2.1
Child1 is the oldest. Child2 is the middle child and Child2.1 (who came along much sooner than we planned for, hence the number) is the youngest. At the time of the following story they were 6, 3 and 2 respectively.
Years ago, Child1 used to be very travel sick. If we were in the car for more than 15 minutes, he'd explode like Niagra Falls. If he was on a ride at a fair that went on for more than 3 minutes you could see him turn green. If we took him onto a bus, we couldn't travel for more than 10 minutes before he'd blow like a geyser, which does kind-of limit where you can go to if you don't have a car.
He's always been travel sick since birth but, oddly, Child2 and Child2.1 have never been travel sick. They could travel to and from town on buses, or go on rides at the fair and remain unaffected by motion.
So when we decided to go to Ikea we knew that, because it was 40 minutes away, we'd have to give Child1 a travel sickness tablet to prevent the otherwise inevitable vomiting. The instruction in the box said the tablet would start working immediately and last for up to 6 hours. This was ideal. We made him eat one, waited 15 minutes as a precaution, and set off on our 40 minute journey.
35 minutes into our 40 minute Ikea journey and he was still fine! He was chatting away, not spewing, and he showed no signs being ill. Being the oldest, he sat in the middle seat with a lap belt, so occasionally I checked my mirror to look at him, to try to gauge his wellness. He was quite perky. This was a GREAT day!
As we approached the Ikea car park, I slowed down, pulled in and drove around for a bit to try to find a space. While I was searching for a space it occured to me that, although Child1 was chatty, the other two were noticeably quiet. I assumed they'd nodded off. "Everyone ok back there?" I asked.
Suddenly, Child1 let out an horrific noise, like a part-scream, part-alien-birth noise. My first thought was "OH GOD, HE'S SICKED!!!" I slammed on the brakes and turned around expecting to see Child1 vomiting yet again, covered in his own sick.
But he hadn't been sick. What I witnessed was something far worse.
Now, I know what you're thinking. What IS worse than being covered in your own sick?
A: Being covered in your brother and sisters sick.
As I turned around, Child2 and Child2.1 were both facing him doing Exorcist impressions, and all Child1 could do was sit there and try to stop two independent streams of vomit with his bare hands. It was like watching synchronised gargoyles, both turning inward and projectile sicking on cue.
Child1 just looked at me, his arms, hands, lap ALL completely covered, and did a massive frown. I think that at that moment in time, if he could have been sick he would have. But, ironically, he was the only one who physically couldn't.
So if your children EVER go quiet, bad things are afoot.
* * *
I have been a parent for 14 years. I rarely give advice out to other parents, as I believe it really is something they should learn for themselves.
However, the one thing I can guarantee is that if you have young, normally loud, chatty children, if they go noticeably quiet they are either planning evil things or DOING evil things.
I have three children. For the sake of anonymity I shall call them Child1, Child2 and Child2.1
Child1 is the oldest. Child2 is the middle child and Child2.1 (who came along much sooner than we planned for, hence the number) is the youngest. At the time of the following story they were 6, 3 and 2 respectively.
Years ago, Child1 used to be very travel sick. If we were in the car for more than 15 minutes, he'd explode like Niagra Falls. If he was on a ride at a fair that went on for more than 3 minutes you could see him turn green. If we took him onto a bus, we couldn't travel for more than 10 minutes before he'd blow like a geyser, which does kind-of limit where you can go to if you don't have a car.
He's always been travel sick since birth but, oddly, Child2 and Child2.1 have never been travel sick. They could travel to and from town on buses, or go on rides at the fair and remain unaffected by motion.
So when we decided to go to Ikea we knew that, because it was 40 minutes away, we'd have to give Child1 a travel sickness tablet to prevent the otherwise inevitable vomiting. The instruction in the box said the tablet would start working immediately and last for up to 6 hours. This was ideal. We made him eat one, waited 15 minutes as a precaution, and set off on our 40 minute journey.
35 minutes into our 40 minute Ikea journey and he was still fine! He was chatting away, not spewing, and he showed no signs being ill. Being the oldest, he sat in the middle seat with a lap belt, so occasionally I checked my mirror to look at him, to try to gauge his wellness. He was quite perky. This was a GREAT day!
As we approached the Ikea car park, I slowed down, pulled in and drove around for a bit to try to find a space. While I was searching for a space it occured to me that, although Child1 was chatty, the other two were noticeably quiet. I assumed they'd nodded off. "Everyone ok back there?" I asked.
Suddenly, Child1 let out an horrific noise, like a part-scream, part-alien-birth noise. My first thought was "OH GOD, HE'S SICKED!!!" I slammed on the brakes and turned around expecting to see Child1 vomiting yet again, covered in his own sick.
But he hadn't been sick. What I witnessed was something far worse.
Now, I know what you're thinking. What IS worse than being covered in your own sick?
A: Being covered in your brother and sisters sick.
As I turned around, Child2 and Child2.1 were both facing him doing Exorcist impressions, and all Child1 could do was sit there and try to stop two independent streams of vomit with his bare hands. It was like watching synchronised gargoyles, both turning inward and projectile sicking on cue.
Child1 just looked at me, his arms, hands, lap ALL completely covered, and did a massive frown. I think that at that moment in time, if he could have been sick he would have. But, ironically, he was the only one who physically couldn't.
So if your children EVER go quiet, bad things are afoot.